


How Can You Love Me?

by morningdew



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mentions of the nogitsune, Stydia, bc i'm a sap and i don't want to put her through that in my writing, brief mentions of allison :(, brief mentions of stalia, everyone who left is back just because i missed them, i'm pretending lydia doesn't get taken to eichen house, isaac derek braeden and cora are back at the end yaaay, mostly canon, no malia hate, pack feels towards the end, some sciles feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 22:16:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4539417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morningdew/pseuds/morningdew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia and Stiles finally get together and Stiles can't believe it. This is basically just insight on how I think Stiles feels, all the guilt building up starting from when his mom died, to the nogitsune, and finally to him killing Donovan. He thinks he's too broken and messed up to be loved, especially by Lydia, but there's no such thing as being too broken for love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can You Love Me?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time ever writing a fic and I think it's very telling that it's a Stydia fic.

Stiles couldn't believe that Lydia fucking Martin was _his_ girlfriend. He never thought he'd ever get to use possessive pronouns to describe her, yet somehow, the odds were in his favor. He wasn't sure if she wanted to tell anyone yet, so he kept quiet, but God, it was eating away at him keeping something this monumental, something this life changing, from Scott. Lydia said she was worried about how Malia would feel about it, even though him and Malia had ended their relationship weeks ago on good terms and Malia had literally approached Lydia and told her, "For the love of all things holy, please tell Stiles how you feel. The tension between you guys is starting to stink and the way you have been dancing around each other is ridiculous. Everyone in the pack thinks so, too. Don't you dare hurt him, though, okay?" and flashed her eyes for good measure. Stiles was dreaming of this since before he even truly knew Lydia, which makes him feel kind of pathetic when he thinks about it now because how could he have ever claimed to love her before he ever knew how amazing she was? He was merely in love with the idea of her; a beautiful, secretly intelligent girl that hid her true identity from the world in hopes of retaining something as superficial as popularity. But Lydia Martin is so much more than beautiful and intelligent; she is kind, she is fiercely protective of those she cares about, she is gentle, she is everything he has learned to value, things that are much more significant than just beauty and brains.

But the one thing that surprised him most about Lydia is that she has found it in her heart to love him with all his broken pieces. Stiles could not fathom how she managed to even  _look_   _at him_  after the nogitsune. How could she bear to touch the body that ordered the death of her best friend? It’s true it wasn’t him, but it  _looked_  like him. How did she not flinch every time his whiskey colored eyes met her green ones? After all, the nogitsune did kidnap and taunt her in the tunnels of Eichen House while it was wearing  _his_  face. She thought she was going to die, she was going to be killed by a demon who wore his face, yet she begged them not to come save her. And when they did, her best friend died at the hands of the nogitsune and Lydia couldn’t even go to her because the life was slowly leaving Stiles, causing him to collapse in the tunnels. Lydia couldn’t leave him, so she clutched onto an unconscious Stiles as she screamed for her best friend who was taking her last breaths outside. His weakness cost her Allison’s life and the chance to say goodbye to her, how did she not despise him after all that? How did she not see the darkness of his heart? How could Lydia Martin, strong as she was, love someone who was truly the weakest link in the pack, making him the most vulnerable to possession? How could she ever feel safe with him?

He distanced himself from her afterwards, even though it killed him to do so, but he felt that it would be the best for both of them. He didn’t know how to look at her after what happened with Allison. She was Lydia’s first true friend and she was deprived of her because Stiles wasn’t strong enough to close that goddamn door in his mind. If he had the strength, he would have distanced himself from Scott, too, being as Allison was the love of his life. But Stiles wasn’t strong, he was selfish and he couldn’t lose Scott, especially when he forced himself to stay away from Lydia just when he was starting to truly  _know_ her. Malia was safe, she was the only person who wasn’t too involved in the nogitsune possession, the only person who didn’t see a demon with  _his_  face and  _his_  body doing horrendous things. So Stiles put all of his effort into his relationship with Malia. She needed his help, giving him a sense of purpose in the process, which was a welcome change since he’s always felt so helpless being the only human in the pack. But that’s what Malia needed more than anything, a human to help her learn how to live a normal, teenage life. They benefited from each other; he helped her adjust to human life and relationships and she helped him form a connection with someone he didn’t directly hurt during the darkest time of his life. Stiles was there for Malia and cared about her, but the guilt was still eating him alive, sometimes surfacing around his friends when he was too tired to force it down. And eventually, he felt himself gravitating back towards Lydia because everything around them was going to shit, and she almost  _died_ and he almost went out of his freaking mind at the sight of her lying there, bleeding out on the ground. 

It was unbelievable to Stiles that Lydia could learn to love someone who was broken from such a young age. She found herself drawn to a guy who is still the ten-year-old boy who thinks he killed his mother at heart, the boy who used to cry himself to sleep thinking of his mother’s face when she told his father that he was trying to hurt her, trying to  _kill_  her. Stiles never told anyone about this memory, albeit it was most likely repressed as he grew older due to how traumatizing it was, but when it resurfaced while they were fighting those demon spawn Dread Doctors, he confided in Lydia. He didn’t know why he told her, maybe it had something to do with that emotional tether thing they never brought up again, but he felt as if a huge weight was lifted off his chest when he did tell her. Lydia listened to him, tears silently streaming down her face, even though she fought hard to keep them at bay so that he doesn’t feel worse. She couldn’t believe that Stiles had to endure such horrors as a child, she thought his nightmares only started with the discovery of the supernatural. He never felt more exposed in front of someone than he did in that moment, he felt completely raw before her. She clutched his hand and collided with him, wrapping her arms so tightly around him as if she could mend him with every touch of her hands. That was the first time he cried in Lydia’s arms and surprisingly, he didn’t feel weak or embarrassed, he felt strangely whole being able to share such an intimate moment with the girl he one day swore he would marry. They barely spoke that night, they just lay tangled up in each other’s arms, that mere gesture speaking louder than a thousand words.  

Everyone around Stiles assured him that he wasn't the one who committed all those treacherous acts, it was the nogitsune and therefore, he wasn't to blame for any loss of life. But what can they say to him now, when he truly has become a killer? He took the life of another, feeling the last bit of his soul plunge into oblivion as the light faded from Donovan's eyes. Any trace of his innocence is gone, Donovan's face haunting his dreams every single night being proof of that. The pain in his shoulder serves as a reminder that he is no longer good, that he doesn't deserve anyone that is. They couldn't blame him before, but now they will fear him. When they look at him, they won't see goofy, sarcastic Stiles anymore, they will see a murderer. So Stiles decides that he can't tell anyone, especially Scott. He is quite certain that he would rather die a thousand deaths than see the revulsion in his best friend's, no his _brother's_ , eyes. How could he ever tell his father the truth? His father who _is_ the law, a man who dedicated his life to serving justice. He doesn't think his heart, however dark it may be, would be able to handle seeing the same fear in his father's eyes that he saw in his mother's that day on the hospital rooftop.

Stiles carried the guilt of the world on his shoulders for days, forgetting the thing that drew him to Lydia in the first place: her intelligence. The fourth time she saw him wince because of his shoulder, she followed him home, marched into his bedroom, and demanded to know what happened. Stiles, weak under her steely and determined gaze, had no choice but to tell her the truth. He stared at the ground the entire time, only looking up when he was done, knowing that her reaction would split his heart in two. His eyes met hers, but where he expected to see fear, disgust, and disappointment, he saw sadness. Tears were streaming down her face and he mentally kicked himself for being the reason. He wished he hadn't looked up, so he glued his eyes back to the ground, suddenly interested in the pattern of the wood. Lydia closed the distance between them in two steps, sitting beside him, grabbing his face, and forcing him to look at her. She caressed his face the way she did that day in the locker room, wiping his tears, attempting to soothe him without words. He looked at her the same way he looked at her that day, too, and she felt her heart crawl up in her throat at the beautiful, yet heartbreaking sight. After what felt like an eternity, she collapsed into him, gathering him in her arms, both of them crying at once. After she had composed herself, she sat up on his bed, laid his head on her lap, and ran her hands through his eternally disheveled hair in another attempt to soothe him. She let him cry until he had no tears left, whispering "It was self defense, Stiles" and "I don't blame you, no one will" and "I'm glad it was him and not you" and "You are **_not_** a murderer" and "He wasn't an innocent, he wanted to kill you, he wanted to kill your dad." After Stiles had calmed down, Lydia told him to take his shirt off so she could look at his shoulder and clean up the injury. She started crying again at the sight of his mangled skin, but hurried to the bathroom to get the first aid kit so that he doesn't feel guilty for being the reason for her tears yet again. After she was satisfied with her cleaning job, scolding him the whole time, "Honestly, Stiles, it could have gotten infected! I can't believe you," she let him lay down while she rummaged in his drawers for something for her to wear to sleep (Stiles didn't even have to ask her to stay, it seems as though she simply decided that she would). She settled for one of his Star Wars shirts (she hasn't seen Stiles' eyes light up like that in so long, she almost started crying again), took a shower, put on the shirt that reached her knees, (Stiles actually smiled at the sight of her) and crawled into his bed with him. For the first time in a long time, Stiles sleeps through the night and doesn’t have a single nightmare.

Lydia barely left his side the days that followed, anchoring him just as she's done so many times in the past. She was appalled that he had allied himself with _Theo_ of all people, "Really, Stiles? You're the one who's been screaming about him being evil since he arrived." After a few arguments, she finally convinced him to tell Scott everything, including what happened with Theo because clearly he is not who he claims he is and "who the fuck does he think he is, blackmailing you like that?" Lydia dragged Stiles to Scott’s house and Scott, of course, did not react the way Stiles thought he would. He was shocked of course, but more than anything else, he was hurt that Stiles didn’t tell him. He gave Stiles the straightest face ever and told him very firmly that he shouldn’t blame himself, that it was self defense, and that he would have done the exact same thing if he was in his place. Donovan was beyond the point of saving, there was no hope for him, so if it was Stiles’ life against his, Scott is glad that it was Stiles who made it out. He was angry that Stiles decided to bear this burden by himself, though, saying “I thought we were brothers, Stiles. We can handle _anything_ as long as we do it together.” They hugged so tight, crying a little in the process, and Lydia starts crying, too, because she doesn’t remember the last time her boys hugged like that.

No matter how many times she reassured him with her words and her touch, Stiles always felt that this was too good to be true, that he did not deserve someone like Lydia. He firmly believed that one day she would wake up and realize her mistake, remember all of the horrors in his past and leave him without a second glance. _This is probably why she hasn't told anyone from the pack yet_ , he thought, _she wants to give herself the chance to change her mind and get out before this becomes more official_. The pack discovered that Theo was working with the Dread Doctors and with the extra help from Deaton, Derek, Braeden, Isaac, Cora, and Chris, their plan to double cross them while Theo believed they still trusted him (Derek was very inviting and Theo ate it all up) succeeded and they were finally rid of their horror. The pack decided to have a party at Scott’s to celebrate because they nearly fell apart throughout this terrible experience and they came out stronger than ever. They also wanted to welcome Derek, Braeden, Isaac, and Cora back, (Chris, unfortunately, would not be staying), so that was another reason to celebrate. Introductions were in order between the newest pack members (Malia, Liam, Hayden, and Mason) and the older members who were returning and they all warmed up to each other quickly enough. Stiles was lounging on an armchair and every other member of the pack was already there except for Lydia. She walked in momentarily, looked around, ignored the fact that there was an empty seat next to Scott and Kira on the couch, went straight for the armchair Stiles was occupying, and sat on his lap. All of the insecurities that have been roaming through Stiles' mind ever since Lydia agreed to be his girlfriend were thrown out the window at this simple, yet bold gesture. Without even speaking, Lydia had made it clear to everyone in the pack that her and Stiles were officially together and that she was proud enough to flaunt it. Stiles could barely hear the laughter, the hollering, and the "FINALLYs!" that were being thrown around the room over the sound of his own heart beating. (Isaac on the other hand, spit out the water he was drinking, dropped the popcorn bowl that was in his hands, and his mouth was hanging wide open until Cora walked up to him and jammed it shut). Stiles couldn't believe what just happened and he looked down at Lydia to see the brightest smile he's ever seen on her face, she looked _so happy_ and he vowed to do everything in his power to keep that smile on her face. He leaned down to give her the gentlest kiss and from the corner of his eye he could see every member of the pack (Isaac had finally gotten over his initial shock and was popping open a _champagne bottle_ , bless him), including his father and Melissa, smiling at them (even Derek). They still had a lot of struggles ahead of them, what with their hometown literally being a beacon for the supernatural, but for once in his life, Stiles gave himself a moment to release the anxiety that seemed to seep into his very bones and allowed himself to focus on the fact that everyone made it out alive and they were all genuinely happy for the first time in forever. Stiles never thought he deserved this kind of happiness in his life, but he thanked his lucky stars for it and accepted the fact that with the proper help, even the most broken souls can be mended.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I was very nervous to post this since it's my first time writing fanfiction, but my friend encouraged me to, so here goes!


End file.
